May

April has gone.

May you tell me it is already history? May you convince me
I did the right thing? May you comfort me by saying ‘Hey, you are just fine.’

April has always been an intricate month, fraught with unknown
peril and tough decisions. Often I recall the memory of me as a boy standing
helplessly in the corner of some strange spacious hall. I heard people in a
desperate mood, crying. I saw people in a state of trance, mourning. I started
to learn the fundamental truism which had quietly dominated the world for so
long: a person, to whatever degree his or her accomplishments or evilness would
amount, has to pass away permanently in the physical world. I never tend to
argue if the soul of a man really exists. When the departure took place, not a
single person could ever return.

Almost the same rule applies to our ongoing life as well.
We keep saying ‘Goodbye’ to the past. Every morning denotes the death of
yesterday. Naturally we learn to cherish, every moment enjoyed, every new
message revealed, every new person we met. Every wonder life has endowed us. We
ourselves have been treasures of our own; no one could deprive us of this unique
property.

 

As I pondered the past April, I tried so hard to be
reflective and calm. Those decisions made after gazing at the sky for hours,
those mails received with joy and excitement though sometimes read with doldrums.
I never even believed that I would actually decide to give up something which
has meant so much to me. I grew tranquil day by day, little by little. I had little
arrogance or the inglorious bravery to declare how humiliated I felt or how
much hatred would arise if others disappointed me. I was only a bystander. I
was just fine to be a bystander.

‘But my dear boy, can you audit your life?’

No, sir. I will not.

I seldom write any philosophical words in a language which
is not my innate one. But the words in these continuous, rather than fragmental
Chinese characters really console me with their callousness and unfamiliar
looking.

I do not tell you who I am. I do not tell you if it is me
who wrote these above. May you have some fun, trying to guess, who I really am.


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